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Life as a Bassterd...

Thursday, 9 September 2004

A love story (of sorts)
It was pretty damn funny if you ask me. The guys name was John, he was dating this girl named Aquarius. You guessed it, but you're a little wrong. Yes, Aquarius was a hippie child vegetarian feminist, with a butch dike haircut, heavy girl, who wore overalls and birkenstocks. But she had a sense of humour and was pretty cool. John, well, he's a train wreck of a human being. Maybe 110 pounds, five foot four, some weird major wavy hairdo, sometimes a beard, took philosophy and liked to think of himself as a sensitive, tortured, self-pitying kind of guy, a great boyfriend for a hippie child vegetarian feminist, with a butch dike haircut, heavy girl, who wore overalls and Birkenstocks, but who wasn't a lesbo. He was the nice guy, who, if he didn't constantly tell you how nice he was, you wouldn't know it. When he asked "how are you" he really wanted to know. Not because he cared, but more so he could be that guy to "talk" to when you had a problem. His sensitivity would guide you through the rough times and all that crap. Girls liked a friend. Some of us saw through it.
Here is where the funny stuff happens, funny because I was just an observer, not too attached to either John or Aquarius, and being a cold heartless ass that I am, was able to see through the possible hurt and only see how damn funny it was. I wasn't alone.
A group of us went to Montreal for the long-weekend (I think it was the May 2-4 - the unofficial name for Victoria Day, called that because it is usually around May 24th). Going to Montreal was a normal thing. My girlfriend had relatives there, we enjoyed the bars and waterfront and usually had a good time that consisted of drinking Laurentian on patios and buying 1 litre beer bottles from the nearest corner store. The weekend would be highlighted by a trip to either Dunn's, Schwartzes or Ben's for some smoked meat and cheesecake. On this particular trip we were meeting with three girls who were coming back from a camping trip out east. All three packed in a VW golf, with all that camping gear. Only Sarah, Simone and Jane could pull that off. Sarah was a road warrior who in three short years put over 400,000 kms on that car. The car would see trips to Thunder Bay all the way to Austin, Texas, and a million coffee shops in-between. Simone and Jane were more than willing passengers.
My girlfriend Sue, Mike, Chuck and I hopped into Sue's civic to make the very familiar trip. The usual ride to the belle province. The usual, "do we stop at the Big Apple?" - with the usual, "let's stop on the way home", knowing that we will be too tired to do so. Meanwhile, John, who has befriended Sarah, Simone & Jane (they all work together) has decided that he and Aquarius will also make the trip to Montreal as well. John has also recently professed his love for Simone, who, being sane has no desire to reciprocate. This un-returned love is a touchy subject between John and his girlfriend Aquarius. Yes, she knows, as John has told her. Something to do with honesty, exposing his emotional state yada yada yada. John is still trying to be the nice guy, even though he's a bigger ass than I am.
So my car and the love mobile filled with John and Aquarius arrives late Friday afternoon, Sarah, Jane and Simone are expected later. We grab our 1 litre beers and hang out in the hotel room. Aquarius and John join us.
John of course is a musician, but not a musician who plays music and has a good time rockin out and stuff. No he is a serious musician, that bleeds his emotions into each song and thinks that everyone else wants to be blessed with his songs of inner turmoil and suffering. Yeah, the goof brought his guitar.
So as we are all getting a good buzz from our beers and hotel air conditioning, John decided to pull out that guitar and play. Starts off okay, sticking to some blues numbers, and he's pretty damn good. But just as I begin to think that this guy isn't a complete nut job he decides to sing a song he wrote, a love song. The room is silent. Sue, Chuck and I look on in horror, as Aquarius sits calmly in her chair. As John croons his song about a love that would not be, about a love that is being denied him, about the wonders of this great woman, her beauty, her kindness, her extraordinary impact on his life, we all get a little bit more and more uncomfortable. Aquarius's exterior calmness is slowly turning - betraying the internal anger. It is obvious whom this song is about, and she ain't in the room right now. The song continues and I think to myself, the only thing that could make it worse is if he... oh my god... did I hear that correctly? way, no one in the world would do that...I can not believe it. I look around the room for some confirmation that my ears are not deceiving me. Mike is trying not to laugh, he must have heard that too. Sue has left the room in a hurry with her hand over mouth, my ears seem to be working fine. Chuck has absolutely no expression, nor has he ever. Aquarius is starring at John with a look of pure hatred, embarrassment and she is ready to kill. The chorus to John's emotionally wrought love song is sung over and over again. The chorus, and the presumed name of the song is a name. A girls name. The name of a girl who is not in the room. The chorus goes something like "and I love SIMONE, Simone, Simone, Simone". What a moron.
The room is silent at the end of the song (except for Mike's stifled laughs), and John and Aquarius leave the room. By Saturday they have left the hotel. Somewhere along the 401 between Montreal and Toronto Aquarius kicks John out her car. John makes it home by Monday.
That's my story about John.

As you can guess John and Aquarius broke up. John still leeched onto Sarah, Jane and Simone, and surprise! never did hook up with Simone. He soon fell in love with some other girl, who really understood him. Aquarius, who on the Tuesday after that long-weekend decided to never date men again, and is happily involved with a very famous centrefold who has a thing for vegetarian, butch dike haircut feminists.

Posted by Bastard Boy at 4:35 PM EDT

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